The process of becoming sound again can be very difficult, but along with happiness… it is a personal CHOICE. I like to think of it as having no other choice. Do you want to sit in your misery or do you want to be “healthy” again?
Notice in the definition of healing, it is a process… which means its almost never ending in order to obtain and maintain a healed lifestyle. When I think back to all of the times I needed to heal, it required a lot of FOCUS.. and DEDICATION to want to feel and be better. During this process, it is so easy to forget about what you need right now when others are constantly voicing what they need from you..
I can remember repeatedly being called selfish for weeding out what I felt was toxic inmy life. It hurts to hear people misunderstand you or disregard the way that they have made you feel, but self care is NOT selfish. I started to second guess myself, asking the pertinent question of — “am I too hard on people?”
But then it dawned on me… just because you put you first (or regain control) doesn’t mean you are diminishing others.. you just simply aren’t giving them another opportunity to disturb your peace and this goes for ALL types of relationships…
I learned the concept of healing and self-care at a very early age.(Thanks mom) I think this is why some people may consider me prideful or non-chalant… when in fact i just try to ALWAYS take care of me and unfortunately often disregard how it may be perceived.. It is so weird, because looking back, I can understand exactly why I am the way I am. As a kid, I would go to my mom, & she would always encourage me to do what I can to fix the problem that didn’t necessarily involve the person who may have caused the problem. For an example.. I’d say things like “Mom, Aaron is too close to me, can you tell him to move?” And she would respond — “no, you must move.. because you have the problem” … and I quote this verbatim. It’s just a prime example of taking matters into your own hands without depending on others or their understanding.
I was watching Being Mary Jane on Tuesday & amongst all of her great quotes she incorporates, one stuck out to me. “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves” — Bingo, it is brilliant!
Some people will never be able to grasp this concept. Constantly running in circles in hopes of changing things they can not control… instead of worrying about what they can control.
Everyone has to do what works for them, but the one thing I will say is once you accept, you take away the power in affecting you.
Three things that you will never able to control no matter how hard you try is:
1. People’s personalities – They are made the way they are… they also may handle emotions differently than you do. More or less forgiving, jealous, simple, optimistic & the list goes on… Does it make them wrong, absolutely not! But accept or move on, but you will never able to control that
2. People’s decisions – Everyone will not ACT, talk the way you will or handle a situation the way you would. If you can communicate how it made you feel & they didn’t do what you would have liked or expected, you still can not change them. A part of healing is the acceptance for the differences of people, however it doesn’t mean you have to continue to deal with it.
3. People’s beliefs – Everyone is raised differently… you won’t always agree with the way that people think. Healing requires understanding of this. We are different & thats okay. What you can control is YOURSELF.
– Take responsibility for your feelings because although you hope people will, it is not their job to take care you. (It is YOUR job to take care of you.)
– Surrounding yourself with people who understand the importance of this.
– Set clear expectations & even clearer boundaries!
In the healing process, communication is key as with anything else because you can not assume people are aware of how they have affected you. However, it is also important to recognize the difference between mistakes and a personal choice. Did they know how you would feel, and just disregard it or did they truly just not know?
It’s easier to forgive those who admit their mistakes, but it can definitely be a STRUGGLE to forgive those who just simply can not take responsibility. But in the midst of that, don’t allow people to shame you for the way that you protect & heal yourself. Because if you think about it, for all the times that you have “done”, people will only remember the one time you “didn’t”.
This conceptof self care is so important & I think is underrated. Theres something about control that makes this concept way deeper. Stay in control of you & take the time to understand you. This allows one to know when they need extra healing. I am again NO genius nor am I telling anyone how to heal themselves. I haven’t always handled every situation correctly… but I will say I am a firm believer in once you understand what works for you, your head will not only be but remain above water!
Model: Nadirah Ali – Shots by Sed